"Reconciliation"

Matthew 5:21-26

So when you are offering your gift at the altar, if you remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother or sister, and then come and offer your gift. Matthew 5:23-24

One day I visited Stella, a member of the church I served in Rochester. It was the first time I had been to her home, which was located on a pretty side street on the west side of the city. As I sat on her couch in the sitting room with the sun shining in on a beautiful fall day, I asked her about her street and neighbors. In answering she mentioned that her brother lived next door. “That’s nice”, I said, “being able to live next to your brother “. And then she told me that that she had not spoken to her brother in fifty years. “Fifty years!” I asked her, “Why?” After giving it some thought for a moment Stella admitted that she couldn’t even remember why she and her brother had stopped speaking to each other. It had happened so long ago. She could not remember.

I immediately thought of the word “reconciliation” and how Stella and her brother had not been able to experience reconciliation in all of those fifty years. They had not been able to settle their differences; they had not been able to resolve the argument. They were so used to being apart that they never even thought about how it could be different. It’s not like they lived on opposite sides of the country and could easily avoid each other – they lived next door! Whatever drove them apart happened in their twenties and now they were pushing eighty.

I first heard the word “reconciliation” in my 7th grade Sunday School Class at the First Presbyterian Church of New Canaan, Connecticut. At that time the church was meeting in an old mansion in the town, the new church would be built a few years later in front of the mansion. But when I first came to the church worship took place in a huge living room where pews had been installed, and the Sunday School met in some of the elegant rooms upstairs. Our 7th grade class met in a room that was much like a library, a room that was decorated with dark paneling, filled with shelves and books and we sat at a beautiful table made of expensive cherry or walnut and had our lessons. And it was in that room that I first learned the word “reconciliation” from our teacher, Mr. Harvey. It felt like a great secret had been revealed to us, that there is a way out of conflict, anger and violence.

I remember learning the word because it was a long one, fourteen letters. We probably learned about the word because it was related to a Bible story, like the Genesis story of the brothers Jacob and Esau, reconciled after years of estrangement because Jacob had stole Esau’s blessing from their father Isaac. Or maybe it was the story of the reconciliation of Joseph with his brothers many years after they had sold him into slavery in Egypt. Maybe it was when we were reading this morning’s verses from the Sermon on the Mount, when Jesus teaches his disciples that before they present their gifts to God they must be reconciled with one another first: So when you are offering your gift at the altar, if you remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother or sister, and then come and offer your gift.

So what does “reconcile” or “reconciliation” mean? It could mean settling an argument or resolving a dispute. It could mean coming together in peace, it could be a handshake, it could be a hug between people who have been arguing like the people on the cover of the bulletin.

One day our youth group went to a church member’s home to go swimming. Two cousins were with us, Robert and Robert, and as the afternoon wore on they started "drilling" on each other. Finally Karyn our lifeguard ordered them out of the pool. “You can’t go back in the water until each of you finds something nice to say to the other”. So Robert and Robert sat, stubbornly unwilling to say even one nice thing. Finally Karyn tried again, and because it was a hot day and the water looked so inviting, Robert Thompson dug down as deep as he could and said to his cousin, “OK, you have nice hair”. And then Robert Porter also searched his soul, and offered this pearl of wisdom and reconciliation: “You have nice hair too.” I never saw a more reluctant reconciliation, but it happened, it worked, and we celebrated it. By the end of the afternoon every one of the kids was telling the others, “You have nice hair”, and it became our youth group’s code phrase for how easy it is to overcome a dispute and begin a painful path to reconciliation!

Before Jacob crossed over the river to see his brother for the first time in decades he wrestled with the idea all through the night because he was certain that Esau would kill him on first sight. Jacob knew how badly he had hurt his brother, and he expected the worst in return. In a dramatic moment Esau runs to meet Jacob not with a knife, but with a big hug. Jacob couldn’t quite believe it, and wondered if Esau would stab him in the back later when no one was watching. Reconciliation can have very fragile beginnings.

I remember my beloved son once did something hurtful and when confronted about it his solution was for us to hug and put it behind us. “Wait a minute”, I said, “we’ve got to talk about what you did, why it was hurtful, and how you can avoid doing this in the future. Then we’ll do the hug.” Reconciliation may require some time to sort things out, and to make sure that the problem doesn’t happen again. A hug or a handshake may not be enough.

When white majority apartheid rule came to an end in South Africa, and the political process finally became open to people of all races and backgrounds, many people expected a vengeful bloodbath when the long-oppressed black majority came to power. Having suffered decades of discrimination, police repression, imprisonment, torture and murder under white rule some expected the new government to exact a terrible revenge. Instead, a Truth and Reconciliation Commission was established to bring the crimes of apartheid to light, but also to heal the nation. As far as I know, it was the first time that reconciliation – not punishment – became the policy of the victor after a long conflict.

While a student in seminary, I remember the lecture of our Professor of Old Testament, George Landes, who told the story of the Joseph of the coat of many colors, and the jealous brothers who plotted to kill him and then sold him into slavery in Egypt. Years later, Joseph had become the Egyptian Pharoah’s Prime Minister with the power to imprison or kill anyone he didn’t like. When Joseph’s brothers appear seeking help in a time of drought, Joseph, badly hurt by his brothers, is torn between wanting to teach them a lesson, but he also yearns for reconciliation with his lost family. At the end of the story, Joseph and his brothers embrace. Said Professor Landes, “Reconciliation is not a mutual acceptance of what happened in the past, but it is a mutual commitment to the future”.

So, as I’ve been talking about reconciliation, has the thought come to you that there is someone you need to be reconciled with? Is there a sister or brother you haven’t spoken to in a long time? How long has it been? Fifty minutes, fifty hours, fifty weeks? Please don’t let it last fifty years!

There are a lot of things packed into Jesus’ teaching from the Sermon on the Mount, and I have chosen to give attention to what he says about reconciliation. I love what Jesus says and it makes me commit to him even more every time I read this: “first be reconciled to your brother or sister”. I notice that he uses the word “first”. It’s not something to be put off or delayed while we do other things. He doesn’t say eventually be reconciled, or someday be reconciled, or maybe be reconciled. First be reconciled.